I should be sponsored by Trojan
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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