i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
pop tarts are not kleenex
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
