I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
