I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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