I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
