I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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