Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
