I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
