your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Randomize
