It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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