Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
