I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
