You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
