Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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