he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
