she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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