Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
