From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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