If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
