I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
