is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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