I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
high people should be assigned attendants
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
