can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
