one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
