I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
PANTIES FOUND
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