I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
