so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
