I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's never too late to be topless.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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