I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
