nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
