hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
