I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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