You can't special order awesome
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Still dying that you shit outside
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
