I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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