This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
