Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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