____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
