I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
