Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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