Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
