Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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