1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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