the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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