is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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