I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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