It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
