Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
