'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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