What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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