you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
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