I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
