R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
